Which Team Am I On?
by the-wild-rumpus
Summary: The story of what happens between "Titan Rising" and "Betrayal". Terra returns to Titans Tower ready to carry out Slade's mission. But the longer she spends with the Titans, the more conflicted she begins to feel. Will she stick to the plan and sell the Titans out? Or will her longing for a family, and her soft spot for Beast Boy win out in the end? BBXT pairing. No Terra bashers!
1. Chapter 1

This was it. After all the training and conditioning, I was finally going back. My stomach churned at the idea of living under the same roof as them again. Especially Beast Boy. I had trusted him with my biggest secret, and he had betrayed me. He had exposed my ugliest scars.

But now they were going to pay for that. They were going to see just how in-control I was. I wasn't the helpless, lost little girl I was when I'd left before. A dark kind of pride welled up in me. No, I wasn't helpless anymore. I was honed. I was reshaped. I was dangerous.

"Your mission is clear, apprentice," came Slade's velvety voice.

"Yes," I said flatly.

"Infiltrate the enemy's home. Learn their secrets. Destroy them... From the inside out."

I nodded.

Showtime.


	2. Chapter 2

The way back to the tower was painfully familiar. It went everything against my instincts to head back up a path I had once used as an escapr route. I was always running. I had never run _back_. My long hair whipped whildly in the wind and lashed at my face. I could feel my steely resolve starting to crumble.

No... No, I could do this. Just because I was physically going back to a place I'd run from, didn't mean I was mentally, too. This wasn't going back, really. It wasn't my home anymore. No, it was _never_ my home. This was all going to be an act. I had plenty of practice keeping my lack of control a secret. I could keep the Plan a secret, too.

The Tower suddenly emerged in the distance, stretching high and foreboding on the horizon. The glass windows glowed piercing orange from the setting sun. And then I could see them. Five silhouettes up on the roof. My heart started pounding. Whether it was from anxiety, fear, anger... I wasn't sure. I clenched my first, letting the surge in emotion fuel my motivation. They had betrayed me. The Titans had betrayed me and Slade had helped me. It was that simple. I let my power fluxuate and urged the boulder carrying me to fly faster.

I was afraid they would spot me, but the only one really facing my direction was Raven, and she was hovering cross-legged with her wrists resting on her knees. Of course, she was meditating. Ever in calm, cool control. She, of all the Titans, could understand what I'd been through. And yet she had always held the most animosity towards me. Well, I had nothing in common with her now. She was still struggling to keep control of her powers. With Slade's help, I had mastered mine.

Suddenly something dropped in front of me. Without thinking, I held out my hands to catch it. A volleyball. I grinned to myself. Oh, this was perfect.

I willed my boulder up toward the roof, and tossed the ball ahead of me. It padded quietly around up above me. A few moments passed, and I imagined their shocked faces. Finally the edge off the roof was level with me, and I watched my long, distorted shadow stretch across their playing field.

"So..." I said smoothly, "Whose team am I on?"


	3. Chapter 3

"I can't believe it... They actually _trust_ me!"

I stared down at the little black and yellow communicator in my hand. Something so small and innocent with such a weighty meaning. I was part of the team. Or, at least that's what the Titans thought. Phase one of the Plan was officially a success. The hardest part was over. I was in. I just had to stay in.

I looked around at my new room, admiring the work they'd probably put into it for me. If they weren't a bunch of traitors, I might actually be touched. The desert mural, the stars... And it had been a while since I had a real bed. I made my way over to it and ran my hand over the blankets. It had been a long day of acting and rock-slinging. Time for a nice, relaxing rest.

I looked groggily at the clock for what felt like the thousandth time. Four-thirty. Ugh. My brain just wouldn't shut off. My mind was buzzing with.. well, everything. The Plan, everything that had happened today, what the next few weeks would be like... Or would it be months? I was supposed to learn enough to weaken them from the inside out.

Did they suspect me at all? Sure, they had technically "accepted" me back into the team, but did any of them have doubts? I was sure Raven did. She didn't trust me as far as she could throw me. I would have to work extra hard on her. Star was naiive, she'd be easy to deal with. Cyborg was pretty chill, but Robin always had his guard up. And Beast Boy... Well, he was probably putty in my hands.

His elated face flashed into my memory. How he'd looked when he first recognized me on the roof earlier that day. My stomach suddenly felt all... tingly. I slapped a hand against it quickly, kneading my fingers into my gut and trying to chase the feeling away. I let myself flop back lazily onto my pillow. I took a deep breath, but the tingles still wouldn't go away.

Exasperated, I kicked my covers off and headed for the door. This was hopeless. I was just too restless, I had to do something. Clear my head.

I wandered through the halls and found myself in the main room. The view through the floor-to-ceiling windows at the front of the room was dazzling. The glittering stars mingled with the few pinpoints of light from the city over on the mainland. I tiptoed across the floor, feeling swallowed up in the grandeur of the room. Laying my hand against the cool glass of the window, I watched as my breath gathered in a small, misty circle, and a halo of mist clouded up around my fingers. I stared up at the stars for another moment, and then let my forehead rest against the glass. The icy sensation was soothing against my face, and I could feel my anxiety draining away...

"Terra?"

I whipped around, heart pounding in my ears and hair on end. I reflexively took a defensive stance, fists out at arms length, feet planted firmly in position.

It was Beast Boy. He looked just as startled as I felt. I yanked my arms down and tucked them behind my back, heat flooding my face.

"Sorry!" He squeaked, "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you! I just... Couldn't sleep?"

I hastily cleared my throat. "Um... yeah. Yeah, just..." I searched his face for signs of distrust, but he looked just.. like Beast Boy. Ever the trusting, naiive little boy. The jokester. He looked almost helpless. I noticed he was was in just a t-shirt and some athletic shorts. It was strange to see any of the Titans in anything but their usual uniforms. Usually Beast Boy's arms weren't exposed like they were now, and his muscles were surprisingly defined and toned...

I gave my head a quick little shake. "I'm just, you know, really excited to be back!"

That seemed to do the trick. His face relaxed into an easy grin, and his eyes lit up like they had when he first saw me yesterday. I felt my stomach start to tingle again.

"Well we're excited to have you back!" He chirped. For a few seconds we just stared at each other, not sure what else to say. He scratched nervously at the back of his head. Out of nowhere, I wondered what it would feel like to run my own fingers through that hair. _Wait, what?_

"Um, hungry?" He broke he silence. He grinned sheepishly, flashing a few fangs. He bounded over to the kitchen counter and started rummaging through the fridge.

"As long as it's nothing with tofu!" I settled on a stool at the counter. "How about some cereal?"

"Sure!" He scrambled to gather up the supplies, rapidly shifting into a few different animals to help him reach into high cupboards and carry everything at once. He set a bowl, spoon, and a box of cereal in front of me, and his own bowl and spoon in front of himself. He poured my cereal for me before I could even reach for the box. He passed me a jug of almond milk. Right. Vegan.

"So," He said, reaching for the milk after I was through, "you've really gotten better since you left" He looked up at me with eyes shining.

"Better?" I asked.

"You know," He stirred his cereal, "You finally have control of your powers! You've gotten way good!"

My fist clenched at the last word. "Oh, I guess.." I forced a casual chuckle, and dipped my spoon into the bowl, dunking cereal chunks under the milk. I prayed inwardly that he wouldn't ask what had _helped_ me get better.

"I.. uh, I kinda missed you."

I was much less prepared for _that_. I made the mistake of looking up at him, and the look in his eyes brought on that tingling feeling yet again. His lips were parted in a tentative smile, and one lone fang winked through the gap.

"Tch, Beebs," I teased, and he seemed to like his new nickname. I jabbed playfully at his shoulder. He smiled even wider and took a heaping bite of cereal. Then, I had an idea.

I swept my long, blonde hair over one shoulder and tilted my head to the side. "I missed you too, you know." I let my voice come out low and soft. He stopped chewing.

"Really?" He asked, mouth half-full of milky mush.

"Of course," I purred. "Honestly, I think you're the only one who really understands me around here. I mean, I'm sure everyone else likes me, but... You're the only one really excited to have me back."

"Well," He gulped. "I think Cy likes you, and Starfire just loves making new friends. Especially _girl_ friends. Raven isn't exactly little-miss-girly, you know? She hates shopping and doing hair and... What else do girls do?"

"Well whatever it is, it sounds like I'm going to have to start doing more of it from now on!" I laughed. "Apparently Star needs someone to do all those things with."

Beast Boy's ears perked up. "Yeah!" he said, a little too loudly. His voice echoed around the spacious room. We looked at each other, cheeks puffed, and then exploded in fits of giggles. I couldn't help myself. His laughing spurred me on more, and soon we were both red faced and teary-eyed.

The night beat steadily on, with the two of us talking until we could barely hold our eyes open any longer. We were drunk on sleepiness, losing our inhibitions, and chatting about things that barely even made sense. He laughed too hard at my every joke, whether or not I even tried to be funny.

And even though his eyes were bloodshot and drooping, there was so much hope there. So much anticipation. I could practically look through them like windows to see a scene of what he must think the future would entail. All six of us, a happy family, finally complete to him. He wouldn't just be the sidekick anymore. Someone finally would see him as a team member. As a true friend. And maybe more.

I let myself forget about the Plan, about any alterior motives. I was too tired to focus on much but the wandering, easy conversation. I couldn't think about Slade, or training, or being stealthy. All I could think about was the way Beast Boy's mouth moved in the dim light, and the smooth lines of his neck, the way they dipped into his shirt collar.

But as the first powdery light began to seep into the windows, an uneasy feeling began gnawing at the pit of my stomach. I could practically hear Slade reprimanding me in his velvety snarl. _You can't afford to let your guard down, aprentice. Every moment you spend in their company must be used wisely._

I had to get my head together. Beast Boy wasn't my friend. He had betrayed me. He had exposed me to all the rest of them. They weren't my family, and this wasn't my home. Slade had helped me. He had given me what I had been after my entire life. He had fixed me, and I owed him.

Starting today, I kicked things into high gear. From now on, I was all about strategy. The Plan. My revenge.

No more games.


	4. Chapter 4

"Dude! Why didn't you tell us it was your birthday?!" Beast Boy's outburst should have been indignant, but instead he looked positively elated. I could practically see the gears turning in his head about what kind of elaborate surprise he could plan for me...

"Well," I said a little sheepishly "I don't really... You know, _do_ anything for it usually. I don't normally have anyone to celebrate with." That last bit came off a little weepy. Eh, maybe that was a good thing. I didn't like seeming weak, but maybe the Titans pity was another way I could earn their sympathy...

"We'll have to do something to celebrate," declared Robin. "How about tomorrow night?"

"Oh yes!" sung Starfire. "I have learned much about celebrating the day of one's birth! I wish to plan the festivities!"

"Er... Maybe I should help out a little, Star?" Raven chimed in. "Remember the 'cake' you made for Cyborg last month?"

Cyborg suddenly went pale, apparently at the memory of Starfire's confection. I didn't know what everyone's problem was with Star's food. I always enjoyed it...

I put my hands up in protest. "Guys, you really don't have to do anything, it's not a big deal!"

"Oh no you don't!" Beast Boy hopped over and slung an arm around me. I felt my face flush uncomfortably. "We're going to make sure this is the best birthday you've ever had!"

And with a rousing declaration of Robin's signature catch phrase, the Titans all disappeared down the elevator. I darted to the great window at the front of the room and watched as the T-car sped toward the city.

The tower was eerily silent. What was I supposed to do while everyone was out planning my party? I flapped a hand uselessly against my hip...

I sighed. I knew what I was supposed to do.

I started heading for my room. Each footstep was heavy and deliberate. He said these opportunities would be rare; chances to talk to him away from everyone would be few and far between. I knew what I had to do, but... I just didn't feel like I had anything interesting to report. What was I supposed to say? That they were all out planning my birthday bash? It was almost embarassing. This was the first time I would be contacting him since I'd come back to the Tower. It seemed like kind of a momentous occasion...

Finally I reached my room. The door hissed open smoothly and I ducked inside, fearful that someone could swoop around the corner at any moment. I hadn't bothered to check whether _all _of them had hopped into the T-car, after all...

I flopped onto the couch in front of my little desk and laptop. I took a deep breath, switched the computer on, and opened a video call. The screen displayed a "call connecting" window for a few seconds. My heart pounded in my chest, and I clenched my fists. Maybe I should have planned what to say? I should have thought this through better.

Just as I was about to hit the "terminate" key, a coldly familiar face filled the screen.

Slade.

"Apprentice," he addressed me flatly. "It's been some time since I've spoken to you."

I swallowed. "Yes," I answered, trying to keep my voice as level as his, "You were right about having few opportunities to speak to you alone. The Tower is empty..."

"I take it you have successfully earned their trust."

"Yes..." I pictured them, now. Probably picking out banners, candles, balloons... And Beast Boy especially. What would he be planning?

"Well done," Slade's congratulation sounded satisfied enough. But I knew he wanted to hear more. He wanted details.

"They're all excited to have me back," I started, "Raven was the only one who showed any resistance to allowing me into their team. The rest of them were more than happy to... have me recruited." _Beast Boy especially_, I mused to myself.

"You must not underestimate them," Slade warned. "They are trusting fools, but they are not completely inobservant. It is vital to the Plan that you gain their complete and total confidence."

"Yes," I assured him solemnly. "I'm sure they don't suspect anything. They're..." I hesitated. I wasn't sure how he would take this news. But I supposed it couldn't hurt...

"They're throwing me a party."

His one visible eye widened in... surprise? It wasn't an exaggeration to say his emotions were constantly masked. His expression was literally hidden.

He seemed to mull this information over for a moment. "How quaint," he finally replied. "And what is the occasion?"

"It's... It's my birthday."

"I see..." He purred. I shivered. I could never get used to his dark, velvety voice. "In that case, I offer my best wishes."

And then the screen went dark.


	5. Chapter 5

I woke up just a little too hot and a little sweaty. I could feel the sun pushing its way through my drapes and warming my bed. I peeked through one eye and saw red...

Opening both eyes I saw that someone had left a bouquet of bright red poppies on my nightstand. I pulled myself upright and reached for the flowers. No one had ever given me a bouquet before. I took a petal delicately between my thumb and forefinger and admired the striking colors; blood red petals with a jet black center. Then it occurred to me that they might need to be put in water. I wondered how long they had been sitting in the sun, probably wilting every minute.

I quickly threw on a t-shirt and shorts and gathered up my poppies, cradling them in my arms as I made my way out to the hall. As I started for the main room, my conversation with Slade from the night before lurked into my mind like ink swirling in water.

_Do not underestimate them, _he had warned me. I didn't think that would be a big problem, really. I knew how powerful they were. But I was more powerful. Could any of them move mountains and trigger earthquakes? They were no match for me. Especially now that I had mastered my skills. My power didn't control me anymore.

I rounded a corner and stepped into the elevator to take me to the top floor. The real issue was keeping my cool and playing the part. _They aren't completely inobservant. _I still didn't have anything planned in case one of them asked me where I had been for the past few weeks. Would they believe that I had just practiced a lot more on my own?

The hydraulic hiss of the opening elevator doors shook me from my thoughts and brought me back to reality. I braced myself for confetti, people jumping out from hiding places, shouting 'surprise!'...

The room was empty. The view from the great window was full of blue sky and what looked like a very high sun. How long had I been sleeping? I made my way to the kitchen area to get some water for my flowers, and the clocks on a few appliances told me it was very late indeed. No wonder my room had seemed so hot.

After some scrounging, I found a vase that looked like it would do nicely for my bouquet. But as I struggled with the plastic wrapping, I noticed a small slip of folded blue paper tucked in between the flowers. I carefully pulled it out and opened it to find a handwritten message:

_Happy Birthday! It's your day!_

_Revisit the home where you used to stay_

I re-read the note a few times. They wanted me to go back to the cave I used to live in? Seemed like an odd locale for my party, if they were actually throwing one. If revisiting my past was their idea of a good birthday surprise, I hated to think what the rest of the day would be like.

I went back to my room, threw on a white tank, some khaki shorts and black converse, (it was my birthday, after all. Who said I had to wear my usual uniform?) and went outside. I unearthed a large rock, hopped aboard, and willed it in the direction of the desert.

The cave looked the same as it always had. It occurred to me how long it had been since I'd actually lived here. I had dug out the cave myself, and tried to arrange boulders into crude furniture. I stepped into the mouth of the cave and let my boulder fall to the ground far below. I stepped through the dusty space, my shoes kicking up little clouds. There were a few scattered clues to suggest my living here: used batteries from my flashlight, bootprints, a few charred spots where I'd lit fires on particularly cold nights. And...

Toward the back of the cave in the middle of the floor, I spotted another piece of folded paper. I dashed over and scooped it up.

_You're on the right trail, in hot pursuit!_

_Now head to the store and grab a swimsuit!_

I stared at it for a minute. A swimsuit? Was this like a scavenger hunt? Maybe there was something in the cave I was supposed to grab. I looked around, but all I could see was rocks and dead batteries. Feeling a little guilty about littering, I gathered them up, heaved a sigh, and summoned another boulder to fly on.

x x x

Once I'd found a swimsuit I liked – a black tankini with some cool beading and embroidery at the neckline – I made my way to the checkout counter. The salesgirl smiled knowingly when she saw me.

"Oh Miss Terra," She addressed me, "Of the Teen Titans, correct?"

"Er.." I said.

"We've been expecting you. Your purchase has already been taken care of. And I've been asked to give this to you."

She handed me a third folded note. I read it as she bagged up my suit.

_You're doing just fine, this must be a breeze!_

_Head home and grab some of your favorite CD's!_

"Here you are miss," The salesgirl said politely, holding up my bag by the handles.

"Um... You're not like, _in_ on this, are you?" I tried not to sound too accusing.

"I don't understand. In on what?" She seemed genuinely confused.

"Um, nevermind. Thanks!" I took my free suit and headed outside.

I was starting to feel a little silly, going around on these errands. Would the Titans be waiting for me at the tower? Maybe they would all be hiding, waiting until I stepped inside and then they'd pop out and try to surprise me...

When I got back to the tower, I played it like a cop walking onto a crime scene. I listened for any sign of life, and pressed my back to corners, hopping out with my arms held out in front of me. But the Tower was just as empty as it had been this morning. I made my way back to my room.

I tossed my shopping bag on my bed and decided to try on my new purchase. Er, gift.

I kicked off my converse and stripped down. The thought of Beast Boy watching from somewhere flashed suddenly through my mind. I knew from experience that he could change into a fly on the wall, literally, when he wanted to evesdrop on someone. I snatched my swimsuit and tugged it on quickly, scanning the walls for any small greenish insects.

But there was no one here. Besides, I told myself, it was beneath Beast Boy to sneak around like some sort of pervert. I smoothed out my top and turned to face the mirror.

I did look stunning, if I said so myself. I was always too self-consious to try on clothes at the store, so usually I just took them home and hoped they fit. And this one definitely did. It had a nice, hippie, boho feel to it. Very desert chic. I poked around in my closet for something to wear over it, and finally decided to just throw my khaki shorts back on over the bottoms.

Now for the CDs. I kept my tunes in a very disorganized pile against the wall under the window. I knelt on the floor and started shuffling through them. Cage The Elephant, Black Keys, Ellie Goulding... I had a feeling the Titans wanted some party music to jam to, so I picked out albums that I knew were more about catchy tunes than deep, poetic lyrics. I knew I had a CeeLo Green around here somewhere...

As I shuffled through my pile, my fingers found yet another slip of paper. I wondered to myself how someone had managed to sneak it into my room without my noticing.

_Almost finished, we can't wait to meet ya_

_just head over to Tony's and grab a pizza!_

My stomach gurgled. I realized I hadn't bothered to eat anything all day. I glanced outside and saw that the sun was on it's way down past the horizon. The whole day was almost gone. I'd been on my wild goose chase for hours. That, coupled with the fact that I'd probably slept in til well past noon, meant it must be close to six or seven.

Satisfied with my selection of music, I fished a small tote out of the back of my closet and dumped the CDs in. I decided to grab a few other things to take with me: sunscreen, sunglasses, a towel. I had a feeling I would be somewhere warm and wet after I picked up the pizza. I pulled my converse back on, slung my tote over my shoulder, and dashed out the door.

xxx

Apparently Tony was in on the little game, just like the shop girl. He brightened up even more than usual when he heard the bell and saw me stroll through the door.

"Terra!" He said, my R's bouncing off his tongue through his italian accent. "Here all by-a yourself? Where is the rest of the gang?"

"Oh like you don't know!" I teased. "Let me guess, they dropped off a little clue for you to give to me?"

"I wouldn't-a know about that!" He sang, heading back into the kitchen, "They just-a had me make a pie for you! Here-a you are!"

He came back carrying a pizza box, and my mouth watered at the smell of it. The cardboard was warm to the touch, fresh from the oven. Maybe they wouldn't mind if I just had one slice...

I opened the lid and was hit with a deliciously hot blast of air. But just as I was reaching for a slice, I noticed the olives were arranged into a message:

_come 2 the beach_

No room for a little lymerick this time, I supposed. I grinned at Tony, but he just shrugged like the olives had just arranged themselves. I went to reach for my wallet but he stopped me.

"On-a the house!" He boomed, and shooed me out the door. "They're all waiting for you!"

I laughed at him giving himself away. We really should come visit this place more, I thought.

The sun was just starting to dip into the sea, throwing spectacular oranges and pinks against the clouds. That had always been my favorite part of living in the desert: the sunsets. Nothing could beat a good, authentic desert sunset, the way it painted all the red and yellow rocks and dust. If I had been gifted as a painter, I might have tried to capture it. I sighed and started walking. When I was far enough out of town not to ruin the pavement, I hoisted up a boulder and hopped on.

There was only one "beach" here in Jump City; A stretch of sand called Carter's Cove that no one had managed to buy up and develop. I had heard the Titans talk about it, but had never been myself. Apparently there was a boardwalk near it where Starfire had been abducted from a ferris wheel by a strange alien machine, mistaking her for her sister. Just then, I could see it. The ferris wheel was all lit up and glowing wonderfully against the sun-painted sky. I soared over the boardwalk, admiring the booths and carnival rides. It reminded me of my amusement park, a few miles outside the city, and a wave of nostalgia came over me...

"Terra!"

I was jarred back to the present by the sound of a familiar voice. I steered my boulder in the direction that it came from, and spotted Beast Boy, standing on the beach and waving his arms frantically. He was in bright purple swim trunks and black flip flops. The rest of the Titans were a little ways further up the beach.

I coasted gently down until I could hop to the ground. Beast Boy scrambled over to and threw his arms around me, and I had to hold the pizza box out to the side to keep him from squashing it between us. He smelled like saltwater and sunshine. I wondered what color his green skin would turn if he got a sunburn.

He stepped back a little hastily, as if embarrassed of his enthusiasm. I giggled at his expression, and punched him playfully with my free hand.

"I've been all over the city today, Magellan! What's with the wild scavenger hunt?"

He beamed, and my stomach fluttered madly. "Well, you love traveling! So... We sent you on a little trip!"

I knew immediately that it had been all his idea. His green eyes shone with excitement.

"Oh, Beebs," I sighed in mock exhasperation. He simply grinned wider and bounced on his heels.

"Come on!" He grabbed my hand and started leading me up the beach, "Everyone's waiting!" Up ahead I could see that the Titans had invited a few other friends to fill out the party. They had a CD player waiting on a table, along with a cooler full of sodas, and-

"Presents?" I said, surprised for the millionth time that day. "You guys did all this and still got me gifts?"

"Yeah!" Beast Boy squeaked. "It _is_ your birthday, and what would a birthday be without presents?"

I couldn't remember the last time I'd gotten a gift from someone. I was glad Beast Boy was ahead of me, so he couldn't see my eyes glossing over with tears. A lump welled up in my throat. They had done so much for me... Given me a home, welcomed me into their weird little family. They really cared.

Slade's face flashed through my mind like a bolt of lightning on a clear night. Despite the balmy evening, I felt the hair on my neck and arms stand up straight. I whipped my head around, sensing he must be nearby, watching all this. It would be just like him to lurk somewhere, unseen. Beast Boy almost fell over backwards when I stopped dead in my tracks, yanking his arm.

"Terra?" He said, "What is it? Are you okay?"

I barely heard him. I felt like a shadow was creeping up inside me. What was I doing? For just a moment, I had felt like I truly had a home. I was stupidly, blissfully forgetful of my whole mission. If Slade really were here, he would be telling me in his velvety voice that I was letting my guard down. That I was completely unfocused, and he would punish me... I shuddered.

"Terra?"

Beast Boy looked terrified, like I was a bird he might scare away if he wasn't careful. I shook my head.

"Sorry! Sorry... I'm fine. I just..."

His eyebrows looked like they might fuse at the middle of his forehead permanently. I forced the biggest smile I could.

"Come on! I want to see what you all got me!"

I dashed off ahead of him, kicking up sand behind me. When I looked back, his expression was back to his normal, happy self. He looked like an excited puppy chasing after a toy. _Oh, Beast Boy..._ I thought. _You couldn't suspect anything even if you wanted to._

x x x

Beast Boy and I were sitting in a gondola perched toward the very top of the Ferris Wheel, facing out toward the ocean. The moon and stars had come out, and I was mesmerized by their reflection in the water. Foamy waves lapped up softly against the sand, making the most soothing, velvety sounds. I leaned against the safety bar across the front of the gondola.

"Terra...?" Beast Boy said quietly.

"Mmm.." I was too relaxed to really answer. I was full of pizza and soda and worn out from sunshine and dancing. I let my eyes close.

"I, uh... I still haven't given you _my_ present."

My eyes snapped open. I pushed myself up from the bar slightly and turned to look at him. He was a little hard to make out, but the lights hanging from the metal beams helped. He looked pretty uneasy. I wondered if he'd eaten too much again and was about to be sick.

A small, tentative smile crept across his lips, and he looked down at his lap. One hand reached into his swimsuit pocket. I turned slowly, letting go of the bar entirely, and sitting to face him. He held out his fist and opened it.

On his palm lay a silver bracelet with a delicate charm on it. I reached out and took it carefully between my fingers, our skin brushing for just a moment. His skin was surprisingly warm and soft. I held the bracelet up to the light. The tiny charm was a little silver "T".

"For Terra?" I breathed. I couldn't seem to raise my voice above a whisper.

"Or for the Tower. Or Titans." He said. Without looking, I could feel his eyes on me, studying my reaction. "Whatever you want it to be. I... I made it for you."

I felt my face flushing, but I didn't care. "I love it!" I said. I turned to look at him and he looked like he might be in shock. He blinked a few times and then he was radiant.

"Really?" He squeaked, and I couldn't stop myself. Before I knew it I was pressed up against him with my arm around his neck and my face burried in his bare shoulder. I felt him tense up at first, and then he melted underneath me.

"Of course I do!" I laughed. I handed him the bracelet and held out my wrist. His fingers fumbled at the little clasp, but finally he managed to get it on. I held my arm straight out in front of me, admiring it. The T swung back and forth, catching the carnival lights and glittering beautifully.

"Happy Birthday, Terra," Beast Boy's voice came softly from behind me. I turned back to look at him one last time. His green eyes reflected the lights like my T charm. He searched my face, never blinking, and I was suddenly overcome with a warm, tingling sensation.

We sat there, our gaze locked onto each other for just a few heartbeats. The night seemed to dissolve around us. I couldn't hear the waves anymore. The carnival lights slowly darkened.

_What is he thinking? _I wondered. _Doesn't he ever ask himself where I've been all this time? Doesn't he think it's strange how much better I am at controlling my power? Or does he even care?_

He swallowed. The world rippled back to life like surface of a pond after a pebble had been tossed in. A wave of tension flowed out of my body, and I laid back against the seat. I knew he was disappointed. I couldn't pretend I didn't know what he had just been thinking of doing. My heart was pounding. I imagined what he must have been anticipating...

Guilt and anger welled up in me. I knew what he wanted. And I had almost given in. I really was letting my guard down. To think, I had been this close to... I couldn't think about it.

Beast Boy sighed beside me. He was never any good at hiding his feelings. He sounded so pitiful that despite my better judgement, I decided to throw him a bone.

I scooted closer to him and nestled myself into his side, resting my head on his bare chest. He tensed up again, and I could have sworn I saw goosbumps prickle up on his green skin. I yawned, trying to play it into my move, make it nonchalant. I was sleepy, that was all. No big deal.

But I could practically see him grinning, letting his eyes drift closed. He relaxed into me, and I closed mine too, listening to the sound of the waves again. _It's all part of the plan, _I told myself. _I just need him to trust me. I know exactly what I'm doing..._

"Thanks, Beebs," I mumbled sleepily, the cherry on top of my charade.

"Yeah," He sighed, and the happiness in his voice made me feel warm and strange all over again. I wondered how long it would take until I got over that. But for now... I actually kind of enjoyed it.


	6. Chapter 6

The earth rumbled below me, and the boulder I was flying on was crackling at the edges. I had put this off for too long again.

But I couldn't help it... Something had been changing over the past few weeks. Something I didn't really want to believe myself. The Titans didn't seem... so bad anymore. I was beginning to forget why I had ever hated them. Beast Boy had given away my secret, but if he hadn't I never would have run away and gotten myself "fixed" by Slade. I was...starting to actually think of the Tower as my home, not Slade's headquarters. And I didn't like to admit it, but... sometimes I actually wondered what it would be like to stay with them for good. There was no way that could happen of course. It was stupid to even entertain the idea. But still...

I was getting close to the headquarters. I followed the familiar route, one I hadn't taken in too long of a time. The mouth of the cave crumbled at the edges as I floated through. I stopped a few falling rocks in midair to avoid being hit over the head. They clattered behind me as I soared through the cavern.

He would know I was here soon. Even though I couldn't see them, I knew about all the security cameras hidden in the rock walls. With a shiver, I realized he had probably been watchin me from afar all along. He had known everything about me when I first met him. He was always there, lurking in the shadows. He knew more about my past than I wanted anyone to. I didn't have any secrets from him. Except maybe my feelings about the Titans.

Finally I came to a hydraulic metal door, and I hopped down to the floor. I took off my glove and pressed my palm to the scanner panel on the wall, and the door hissed open. A blast of cold air hit me in the face and brushed my hair back. I took a deep breath, clenched my fists, and stepped inside.

Slade was standing at the control panel, facing away from me, and staring at a wall of monitors. No doubt watching for me to come to his doorstep. This was where he saw everything. The giant gears and machinery around the room churned and creaked as usual. I never knew what purpose they served, exactly. But I had practiced combat in them countless times. Slade didn't bother looking away from the screens when I came in.

"Apprentice," He acknowledged me flatly. "It's been some time."

"Slade," My voice shook a little, "I... I've been busy."

"Have you?" His tone was taunting. I was definitely right about him watching me. My mind raced through anything embarrassing he might have witnessed... He finally turned to face me.

"Slade, I.." I struggled to find the words. "I need more time. I still don't know everything I need to."

"What more do you need, Terra?" He asked, "For Raven to give you another suspicious glare? For Robin to make another desparaging comment about how poorly you're handling your power? Or perhaps for Beast Boy to divulge another one of your secrets?"

My jaw clenched, but he wasn't finished. "Do you really believe you can trust them, Terra? What makes you think they even want you? We both know how damaged you really are. How dangerous you can be. Why, imagine if they knew about our little... arrangement. Do you really believe they could ever forgive you?"

I tried to fight it, but my eyes welled with tears. "They... they want me. They let me into their home! I'm their-"

"Friend?" He interjected. His one visible eye narrowed. "Don't make me laugh, child. You work for _me_. You are a traitor. A spy. Their friend? You could not possibly be further from it."

Tears spilled over my cheeks, and I clenched my eyes shut. Every word he said stung me, every sentence rang with horrible, horrible truth. They would _never_ accept me, especially if they ever found out about the deal I had with Slade. But... maybe... just maybe... One lone face stood out in my mind, apart from all the other Titans, apart from everyone who had rejected me.

"Beast Boy," I whispered, "He'd forgive me. If I told him... He would still be my friend." I mustered the courage to look Slade in the eye.

"I beg to differ, my dear," his voice was icy, "I believe he would be the most disapponted in you."

"He wouldn't—"

"Are you so sure about what he would and wouldn't do? You seemed quite sure, as I recall, that he would not reveal your little secret to the other Titans."

My chin dropped. I couldn't fight him on that one. How did I have any idea what Beast Boy would or wouldn't do? I had been wrong before. If I ever found a way to confess to him... Would he really turn his back on me? The idea made me sick. He was the only person who I thought might actually accept me. What if... What if he didn't?

Hopelessness overwhelmed me. I sank to my knees. Why did things have to be this way? Was I just cursed? Couldn't I ever do anything right? It seemed like everything I wanted came with a hefty price. I wanted control over my power, and now I was indebted to Slade. I wanted to be a hero and join the Titans, but now I was doing it under an ugly guise. I wasn't a hero, I was a traitor. I was useless. I was broken, just like Slade said.

Despair churned into rage. I turned to Slade. This was all _his_ fault. I clenched my fists and felt the carvern rumble deeply all around us. I could bring the whole place down if I wanted to. My vision started to blur, and I knew my eyes and hands were starting to glow yellow. I didn't care, I just didn't care anymore. I was sick of _everything_. I hated Slade, I hated my life, I hated myself. And I was just about ready to end all three.

The ceiling was showering down in dust and silt. The gears and machinery Slade loved to surround himself with groaned threateningly, and a pressure gauge was hissing somewhere. I could feel myself rising into the air. I didn't care if it was on a boulder or on my own. I wanted to bring down this whole cavern. I'd bring down the whole damn world. I could feel my power tearing through the earth around me, like a massive fist, crushing it into dust.

Suddenly my limbs errupted in pain. I screamed and dropped to the ground like a stone. With a grunt, I hoisted myself to my elbows and massaged my throbbing forehead. My vision was slowly coming back, and I could just make out...

The bracelet. Not the delicate one Beast Boy had crafted for me, but one Slade had designed. It was attached permanently to my wrist, and it had the power to jolt my system with who knew how many watts. It crackled and snapped with electricity, and I cringed. I looked up to see Slade standing over me, the controls in his hand. He set it off again, and I cried out in pain as the shock ripped through me. My muscles seized and spasmed horribly. All I could do was cower on the floor and wait for it to end...

And while my nerves exploded under my skin, I felt my power draining. The rumbling aound us slowly stopped. The energy I used to move the earth was shrinking within me, like a fire gradually dying out.

Even after weeks of this bizarre treatment, I still couldn't quite put a name to the feeling it gave me. It was frightening and calming all at once. I was being drained of something that I felt was part of my identity, and yet it was a part of me that I was ashamed and afraid of. Whatever it was, Slade was the only one who knew exactly how to do it. If I had any other way of "curing" myself, I wouldn't be here. I was his prisoner by my own weakness.

"It's been a while, hasn't it?" He said, his finger hovering over the remote. "Your usual dosage obviously wasn't quite enough. Perhaps you still need a bit more..."

"No!" I begged, "Please, it's enough, it's enough..." I gasped for air. It was always impossible to breathe after the electroshock treatments. "I'm done, I swear..."

The hand hovering over the remote finally dropped to his side. "You will not question your mission again, aprentice." His tone was final, resolute. "Otherwise, your punishment will be most severe. Perhaps..." he turned and stepped smoothly away from me, "we will have to remove your power altogether..."

Panic seized me. I glanced at the silver bracelet partially embedded in my skin. As impossible as it seemed, somehow I knew he could take my power completely away. He could strip me down to nothing. As much as my powers sometimes scared me, the idea of having them removed permanently...

My breathing became fast and erratic. I clutched at my chest, feeling like my lungs might burst. I had to get out of here. I scrambled to my feet, my muscles screaming in protest, and scanned the room. Slade had dissappeared into the shadows, but I was sure he was still watching me. He was _always_ watching me.

I tried to summon a boulder to escape on, but the ground under my boots only shuddered weakly. Even my fists didn't glow as brightly as usual. I would have to run.

My heart pounding, (maybe from the electricity) I bolted for the door. It hissed open and I sprinted into the tunnels, toward the surface. There was no daylight to lead me out. The sun had gone down, and the air got colder as I came closer to the mouth of the cave.

A blast of chilly wind hit me, and I was finally outside. I knew I wasn't really any safer from Slade's reach, but running was just in my nature. Even if it was just my imagination, it was a relief to feel like I had, at least momentarily, escaped.

I knew I would have to come back eventually. My little therapy session would only keep my power in check for a few weeks at the most. I was sure Slade kept it that way deliberately. He knew to keep me on a short leash. I felt like a sick junkie. Every instinct in me was telling me to just skip town, to leave all this behind me and be done with it. I could start over, like I had so many times before.

But I wasn't flying away tonight. I was completely drained. As my adrenaline burned off, I realized how exhausted I was. My arms and legs felt like jelly. My knees buckled, and I sank to the ground again. A cloud of dust kicked up around me. I could barely move, but I managed to reach into my belt and pull out my communicator. I called the one person I could think of.

Beast Boy's face flashed up on the tiny screen. He looked excited to be getting a call from me, until he saw me. I must have looked awful, because his expression turned dire.

"Terra?" his raspy voice was riddled with worry, "Where are you? What's wrong?"

My vision wavered badly. I choked out the closest street name I could see. "Please," I coughed, "help me..."

And with that, I blacked out.

x x x

My heavy eyelids didn't want to open, but I forced them. I had a burning sense of urgency that I couldn't fight, even in unconsciousness. I couldn't remember the reason for it right away...

I was in my room, tucked into my bed. I managed to turn my head enough to see the window. It was still night, so it must not have been long since...

Since Beast Boy rescued me. I was suddenly aware of him, sitting at the side of my bed, his hand on mine. The poor guy was sleeping sitting up. I wondered idly why he hadn't changed into something like a kitten and curled up on my bed. With a jolt, I realized he must have been too worried to think straight. My stomach fluttered. For a moment I just watched him sleep. His hair was toussled from flying, maybe. Or from running his hands through it nervously. A few strands hung down into his eyes, and if I weren't so weak I might have reached up to brush them away. Instead, I squeezed his hand gently.

"Beast Boy," I whispered, and my voice cracked dryly. He sat up straight instantly, and his eyes shot open and darted around the room until he was reoriented. When they landed on me, his whole face shifted to a look of deep concern.

"Terra!" He said a little too loudly. I wondered if the other Titans were sleeping. He blushed. "Ugh, I was so worried! What happened?"

Crap. I hadn't thought up a good excuse for why I'd passed out in the middle of nowhere. I'd have to try a different tactic...

It didn't take much effort to make my eyes well up with tears again. Apparently I was still very much on the brink of crying. Beast Boy looked at me like I was made of glass, and that I might shatter if he wasn't too careful.

"Oh, hey..." He said softly, his free hand hovering tentatively in front of him like he was trying to approach a wild animal without scaring it off. I felt my chin quiver. One lone tear broke off and rolled down my cheek and into my hair.

"Beast Boy..." I croaked.

"It's okay, it's okay," He soothed me, and his free hand reached to smooth my hair back. The sensation was so calming and intoxicating, I never wanted him to stop. "I'm here," he breathed.

Slade's cold words slipped in and out of my mind. _I believe he would be the most disappointed in you._

I was suddenly filled with the overwhelming urge to prove him wrong. I _had_ to know that Beast Boy wouldn't abandon me. I had to know that someone would forgive me for everything wrong with me. Someone _had_ to want me...

I reached up to stop Beast Boy stroking my hair, and took his hand in mine. It felt warm and stable, and I never, ever wanted to let go.

"Beast Boy," my voice wavered dangerously. My throat was sore and closing, and I tried to swallow back my tears. "I need to know something."

"What is it?" He leaned in close, and I could feel his warm breath on my neck.

"I..." I struggled for the words, and swallowed again. "You... You want me here, don't you?"

He blinked. "Of course I do. Why? You're not leaving again are you? Is that why you were out in the city?"

"No, no..." I mumbled, ashamed that of my reputation for running. "I... I wasn't leaving." I managed a smirk. "Lucky you came along to save me..."

He squirmed in his seat. "Well, you know... It's no biggie."

"I can always count on you, can't I?"

His eyes locked with mine, and he nodded. "Yes, Terra. You can. I promise."

I recoiled at the last word. He had made me a promise before. Slade had reminded me of that tonight. But looking up at Beast Boy now, I wanted nothing more than to believe him. He had to be telling the truth. He just had to. Someone had to want me, and I wanted it to be him.

I managed a weak smile for him, and he smiled cautiously back. There was still fear in his eyes, like I might spook and run at any moment. Little did he know, that wasn't the problem.

I was exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally. "Hey," I whispered. He leaned towards me again, and I let my eyes gently close. "Could you do me a favor?"

"What?"

"Keep playing with my hair."

There was a brief pause, and then I felt him start stroking my hair again. I could picture his expression without looking. Probably still a little worried, and probably a little shy, but mostly happy. And that image, along with the soothing sensation of his gentle hand, sent me into a deep and peaceful sleep.


End file.
